let's have a bad time (tw: voyeurism, cancer, lions)

Let's talk Aguachile Alley

Postby Sissy Spacerock » Fri Oct 22, 2021 12:36 am

i want to talk about cigarettes

this is particularly distasteful
literally
given the reason for my re-entry
but
immediately prior to All This
i'd been stressed out enough,
and in the recent company of spliff-smokers
who'd gotten me good and high,
but with a bit of tobacco in there,

And IT's Crazy, Right

because my tolerance for Real Shit is p high

but tobacco makes me feel Absolutely Insane

so i'm asking:
how the fuck does anyone do this?
regularly

because

to me, what it does is
give me this WW2 sniper sort of modality to life
a tunneling
i am very alive but it is dark
which is normal
but a different sort of thing altogether

it's crazy that this is legal drugs and also Everyone did this forever

a guy in the desert "gifted" (?) me half a pack of USAmericanspirits and i can tell you
that there are various creation myths to be found in most any tree around you

also nicotine gum is a crazy thing that exists

don't do this drug! unless you are a range weapon specialist
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Mon Oct 25, 2021 4:08 pm

scan update today

it's progressed to stage 2 but looks as though it should be a matter of surgery
with potential for mild radiation

surgery in 3-10 days

sounds like lymph nodes are coming out too, but they're hoping the primary site
will not require e.g. restorative surgery, grafting, etc.
which can be complicating factors for a person's continued speech, etc.

pending the results of the surgery this will
hopefully
be a Shitty Thing That Needs To Be Kept Up With

like any other background habit,
but costlier,
and subjected to financialization and medicalization

it disturbs me that this more or less necessarily means Corporate Employment Forever
because i've got some personal notions about what that rhymes with

barring some intensely volitional US upheaval there'll simply always be
a dark hum in need of periodic attending

"good news and i'm still angry"
new word pls

i gotta take my dog to the vet to see about his dick now
the boy's always had something of That Magic Dick where lots of other pups want a sniff @ it
and he's been in for UTI concerns etc.a couple times as a result
but his magnetic donger has been more and more experientially prominent
the other dogs on the street are like Head-First

anyway best case scenario i go throw more money @ the god damned vet on this rainy-assed day
and get told that my son is merely delicious

thank you again for your support
it has been instrumental in keeping things moving

i'd imagine things should stabilize somewhat as plans for the surgery cohere
and i'll likely be more directly responsive at that time
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Mon Oct 25, 2021 7:23 pm

$350 later:
diagnosis delicious dog dick

Image
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Fri Oct 29, 2021 6:38 pm

surgery scheduled in five days
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Mon Nov 01, 2021 6:42 pm

i've felt awful for a while because my natural(?) inclination's to stay up lateToggle Spoiler
and it's fairly vital to the ongoing project that Sleep be gotten

for them much more so than me
but i go out at night all the time
not to any particular place
just out
walking nowhere

i can't stop moving

i've had to restrain myself in recent days as the surgery draws near
so that the in/out noise and so on isn't disruptive

so i was In

and i hate it
i hate being In

when i'm In i might be On Here or hitting my head on some other wall
when i'm out i might hit the pavement but the hit's different

and despite all my efforts to control for my own chaos
about 4 am,
two quick bursts of gunfire had me sitting up in bed at the waist
like the Undertaker

kak kak prRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrropopopopopopop

and as my eyes opened
and what-the-fuck came into focus
i pushed my dog's head down,
and then my own,
seeing as i do sleep by a street-facing window,
albeit in a roundabout sense
and being as i do know someone who two years ago,
mid-day, in their home office,
escaped catching one In The Head by all of eight inches

there was a cinematic tiresqueal
and what sounded like a hell of a lot of body roll
while the car whipped around some unseen corner and sped off

"it's what you think it was"
i called out
the house convened on the porch
as the searchlight helicopters appeared

they've been up most of the day, today, too
someone was killed
at least one someone

in exactly the place someone was killed a month ago

i think that they're probably sweeping the nearby homeless camps for leads and information
observing the perimeter for hasty exits

this happened nearby to at least three significant encampments
all of which locals —
with some credibility and some bullshitters' enthusiasm —
have tied to Actual Gangs
who are apparently using the camps' large presence as a pretext for volume dealing

there are constantly fights, petty thefts, vandalism, etc.
if you're masochistic enough to be the sort of person interested in citizen app alerts
you'd have an active feed at all times if you lived nearby

but most of it stays constrained to the people that people who live inside pretend don't exist
so it's resolved internally
and we* are none the wiser

anyway Very Stressed Out rn
so tired so awake
can't take care of self can't take care of anyone else
bad noisy world of abstract slaughter
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Tue Nov 02, 2021 12:06 pm

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i want to take a moment again to thank all of you who've offered support in any way

life at this time is very momentary
and every input feels extra weighty,
if that makes sense
magnified

small gestures take on religious significance,
gifts are mana

i feel insane
and not in the old ways

we are all alone and bearing the pains of birth separation
and we temporarily encounter alternate instances:
elves, imps, big fat bears,
all that jungian shadowplay shit 46+2 u know

speaking of shedding skin:

this is a limited engagement
and will come to an end when my general need to reason out loud
through a message board format, which is to say:
a GUI in which i find nativity,
like any other favored planar tool
through which words do flow easily
through which words do flow easily
in which reasoning can be found
and on which a sort of second mind can be accessed —
mind and a half, really
input input input
perspective

i want to talk a bit about my relationship to "the board,"
because yesterday i was made to feel very gauche,
and i really don't appreciate that
like really

i had some shit flung my way
someone trying to DDoS me on here
talking about, i don't have any desire to revisit the verbatim text —

fuck the verbatim text

talking about how i'm antagonistic
negative, bloviating, all that shit

in sneering terms

which sat beside posts thanking me for providing yoga tips
and encouraging me to write

as a person who is Really Fucking Unstable
i don't think it should be confusing to anyone why this is ultimately an extraordinarily unhealthy environment for me

i know that it is just Absolutely Hilarious to some people
whose decency i should hope would prevent them from ever reading these words
lord knows i bore you and you hate me so you shouldn't be here
hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi

but to the rest of you, who i adore:
i know that it is just Fucking God Damn Hilarious that i "write funny" and have "strange ideas"
think i've been hurting since i bought the gimmick

well
we're all layered gimmicks
but i think i'm about as real or unreal as anyone else is here
and i'd like to use this space right now to reiterate some thoughts that have
Appeared Elsewherein recent times:

if you are reading this
you are too old to ambush strangers on the internet
and surrounded by people who should know well enough to sanction you

i will retreat to my banishment in short order
i hope
pending the success of surgery and recovery

in the meantime i've got a hell of a lot of shit on my mind
so i'd like to blow

i'd like to thank anyone out there who doesn't make it their goal in life to stifle expression
and who doesn't wander around loosely-organized parties shutting down conversations that weren't directed toward them
and that they never wanted to understand in the first place

i'm being dramatic and i blame
the moon and hormones and mormons and pheromones
(the "played off the stage" music has been on for like 18 minutes at this point and the musicians have long-since been improvising and we've landed on something that sounds a bit like Amon Duul XXVI now)

ALSO! this is a space you can express yourself in
feel free to profane it
this is the place i will be providing updates,
but you are welcome to toot

ALSO! more of you who have sent money along pls hit lacmaboardoftrustees@gmail.com
very low followthrough rate right now! want to send you sum shit upon recovery! Image
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Tue Nov 02, 2021 12:11 pm

it's probably important to think about how in real life you talk to different people using completely different voices

and sometimes you aren't talking to anyone

and sometimes you very much are not talking to specific persons
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Postby Hal Jordan » Tue Nov 02, 2021 12:24 pm

tru tru
A lamp with a white shade was knocked over and broken. Someone was smoking pot. “This is the pot room!” a young man said.
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Wed Nov 03, 2021 4:36 pm

keep hearing "surgery tomorrow" in the "harvester of sorrow" cadence,
hating it
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Postby mondrary » Wed Nov 03, 2021 9:06 pm

hey sissy, i'm thinking of you two, i hope all goes well tomorrow
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Thu Nov 04, 2021 12:46 pm

thank you/all

out of surgery and into a room

phone call from the Dr and it apparently all went very straightforwardly/they believe they Got It All, pending exams

headed down that way shortly
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Postby deadbass » Thu Nov 04, 2021 1:05 pm

that's great to hear. I hope it continues to go well
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Thu Nov 04, 2021 5:26 pm

hung out for a few hours down there

there's a street nearby called Biggy Street
i just want you to know that

so far so good,
thinking the release will be tomorrow or the next day,
which seems insane to me

but being in the hospital sucks, so
good? i guess

all the COVID protocols seem extra bizarre/arbitrary
my thoughts are def w/ anyone who's had to either undergo hospitalization
or support someone in a similar situation during "this time"

if indeed we ever do go back to keeping our shoes on at the airport, so to speak

i'm loopy as shit from not eating rn but will post more shortly
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Thu Nov 04, 2021 5:28 pm

oh a doctor asked me if i was "the rolling stones" and told me to "rock on"
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Thu Nov 04, 2021 8:53 pm

the primary source of anxiety in lifeToggle Spoiler
as i understand it
is in the suspension of feeling/emotion

typically this is something manifested by a refusal to face up to or acknowledge some fear/guilt/shame/etc
but it goes the other way too

i was having a panic attack on a walk earlier,
i think partially as a result of feeling The Hospital On Me (i really do not like these places):
all the little informational cards and the too-much-text and
weird lighting and strange furniture at odd angles
the beeping and compressed air
odd smells, the look of that food
you know about it
anyhow

of course in the environment itself you numb yourself out to it,
or i do at least

i have serious "issues" with sensory overload and similar
that have never been addressed in life, other than through my own strategies
so i have a tendency to go numb
and withdraw from my surroundings
or fixate on an object or a sound etc. to the exclusion of all else
voyaging

on hill #4 or 5 of the panic attack roller coaster
(these Super Suck bc it's very difficult to tell a panic attack from a # of other things,
and the person who'd drive me to the hospital for those things is in the hospital)

i became aware that i have not really allowed myself to "feel happy" or "relieved"
it still feels unresolved
i think i shrink away from this sort of thing often
fucked up!

i tried to heave a big sigh and force a smile and i did for about a second and a half feel some sense of
Ah, Yes,
not necessarily through the woods, but complete the metaphor as you'd like

gonna try to find some more of it
feeling so drained

it's good news! feel good! stupid!
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Sat Nov 06, 2021 1:58 pm

hospital ejection in 6 hrs ❗️‼️
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Sun Nov 07, 2021 1:09 am

busted outta the joint
whole lot of pudding and cream soups
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Postby Hal Jordan » Sun Nov 07, 2021 6:54 pm

what kind of pudding

please say banana
A lamp with a white shade was knocked over and broken. Someone was smoking pot. “This is the pot room!” a young man said.
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Thu Nov 11, 2021 11:11 pm

lot of flan actually

gonna keep this thread going because there are people who are uh literally invested but otherwise:
https://forums.hipinion.com/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=154142
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Postby nice pass » Fri Nov 12, 2021 9:19 am

did you ever get paypal set up
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Fri Nov 12, 2021 3:54 pm

nice pass wrote:did you ever get paypal set up


apparently someone in the netherlands didnt want to pay for customs on something i'd sold them years ago
i assume it was a suit or outerwear
this is a thing that would happen periodically — people not realizing they had to pay VATs, flipping out
so they let it rot
and i got stuck w/ the bill for it w/o noticing since i've been long-dormant

they were not at all helpful in resolving it so i'd imagine at some point i'll just have to pony up
for obvious reasons that isn't today
fucking annoying

def do not miss having to deal w those companies regularly

@invisiblehandouts Venmo is the way to go about it if you care to subsidize soups&copays
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Fri Nov 12, 2021 4:00 pm

there's a kind of oddly paced-out lull in between now and the next appointment
where they'll go over the findings from the materials removed during surgery

the Dr already sent over the information itself, but we've only reviewed it in the amateur sleuth context

looking like No Radiation, no add'l cancer, but there may be some sort of weird Swerve coming w/ the salivary gland?
hopefully nothing too serious but may be an indication of a previously unknown auto-immune disorder (in addition to foreknown lifelong Crohn's)
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Sun Nov 14, 2021 12:26 pm

thank you kind souls

did a minor outing for the first time since surgery last night

LEX
amusingly-appellated
loves THX-1138
which i have never seen

(i don't really do movies)

and an opportunity to view it in 35mm had apparently roused the spirit to
Go Back Out Into the World

"hey you're going to see a movie @ 10"
alright sure whatever

(i don't really do movies)

like most large cultural properties,
(THX-1138 is a relatively large cultural property
in the scale to which i am speaking
which is the scale which is mine)
i'd never actually seen it

and have maintained a sense of knowingness about it for quite some time
the Look

unsurprisingly i am not a big fan of georg lukacs
tho i grown up w/ a shit-ton of second-hand StarWarez vehicle design books & shit
dusty guys from the late 70s/early 80s, cousin cast-offs
(they're career military now and i'm an autonomist
thats the diff b/w going in on StarWars vs. going in on Maple Town)

LEX luv'd it
(i don't really do movies)
i don't really do movies but
here is my review of THX-1138:

i can't tell what's going on
i keep having to steer myself away from becoming angry
ha ha ha you think i can discern meaning from multiple moving images simultaneously
can't stop thinking about how this was a student film
now you're thinking about money
now you're thinking about Marin County
now you're thinking about Marcia Lucas catting around with that stained glass man,
George's broken heart
the silver-masked cops are kind of fun but i wish this was Eyes Wide Shut
i mostly don't like movies but i like that one
i can't tell any of these people apart,
and you'd think that would be a feature of this film's buzzed anonymity,
but mostly i just can't tell people apart
if more people had strong signature walks this would be less of a problem
there are also only like 3 voices now, but this is from Back Then when there were many voices,
and this film has a lot of voices all the time!
just like prank calls coming in over VOiP or something?
this runs like a nu-metal video that was directed by someone who used to make videos for Popol Vuh
FUCKING YOU IS STROIEAEANGE AND ADORED BY ME THROUEEEUUEGHOUEAUT
o no its u Again blessing u w/ every kiss
TI-EE YOUR SELF TO ME STITCH UP MY EMP-TI-NESS
i liked the one 5 secs long part that looked like the practice of some kind of New Reli-djjion
(it is a crazy world we are living in)

folks:
Lalo Schifrin
La-Lo Schifrin

he's done better!

i do not care for the film Thanx 1138 i think
a tip to filmmakers: some of us have a lot of movies going on already and you gotta crowd those out!!!

i don't care much for films

but then this wasn't for me
again, thank you
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Postby angel scribe » Sun Nov 14, 2021 7:03 pm

that was a very good review of the film THX 1138
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Mon Nov 15, 2021 12:36 pm

nice pass you're un-PMable
which i didn't realize was an option
doubled up the grocery order following your metaverse msg
glad i'd brought extra bags on the walk
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Postby kid8 » Tue Nov 16, 2021 10:39 pm

Sent you 60 bucks through Venmo. :)
we hardley knew thee.
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Thu Nov 18, 2021 6:09 pm

thank you! thank you!
been busy!
more tonight probably!
the short update is:
things are Looking L. Ron
which is to say
All Clear
bbiab
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Postby Hal Jordan » Sat Nov 20, 2021 11:28 pm

:)
A lamp with a white shade was knocked over and broken. Someone was smoking pot. “This is the pot room!” a young man said.
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Sun Nov 21, 2021 12:05 pm

so the surgery follow-up,
the "telehealth pathology report,"
indicated no additional cancer found, beyond the mass removed

gonna be many years of follow-ups and watching and worrying,
but this is pretty nearly Best Case —
there'll probably always be some wondering after whether the lymph nodes "needed" to come out

given the alternatives, though,

(death, significant mutilation)

pretty fuckin good

solid-ish foods have re-entered the rotation,
clarity of speech has been affected somewhat but appears highly likely to return,
early days since hospital release were very fatigued but energy's mostly back up now —
jarring to have this all coincide with the abrupt time-shift & 5pm darkness
yanked around

a recurring concern is that the causative mechanism of the cancer is an utter enigma:
not a smoker, never much of a drinker, no obvious risk factors
grew up near a nuclear reactor!
but, genuinely — bad luck? wrong flatware? microplastics?
is there something in the nearby air? are we living in it?

so there's the tendency, the pull to want to
Not Do Whatever Did This To You,
and having that be a total unknown/X factor is distressing
the behavior cannot be modified

for me, as well, in a sense —
whatever thing's been done
i've likely been party to,
if it's a thing's been done's what's done it

and like i've said i don't go to the damn doctor
so now i get all these creeping somatic freakouts

feels like i've been in a weeks-that-are-years hallucinatory deathtrance

it's mostly been subtextual
but i've been doing a fairly piss-poor job in taking care of myself,
for a pretty long time
largely out of resounding disinterest and detachment
disjointed illusions playing out in front of me
loss and fading
so it's been a trial to need to give e.g. care, nourishment
in its own strange way
sullen disconnection's been the backdrop
it's hard to help from there
you have to come back to life even if you don't want to

i'd have been a lot likelier to crumble altogether had i not had the combination of
straight-up material aid & assistance offered here, which has left me
some combination of bewildered and confused and amused and grateful,
better-fed less-stressed and more capable
in addition to the graphomanic muscle memory engine
of Bounced Shit:
choose your metaphor

it's a way of working it out
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Mon Nov 29, 2021 1:53 pm

this can be unstickied

i'm offline
Viz. https://forums.hipinion.com/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=154664

i have no continuing interest in being a consumer or participant in what is now "Internet culture"

thank you all

i've transferred the funds over and a secondary "thank you all" was offered
anything material informational or otherwise useful you'd like me to pass through will be passed
i'd imagine plenty of other people are in shit circumstances @ the moment though
and clogging up space through means other than the typical application of prolix is not my intention

these had been burdensome times as it was & this abrupt medical turn was the pungi pit under the trapdoor under the carpet yank under a dead blue sky

i am addicted probably more than anything else to information—
stupid as i am it's my thought i suppose that it'll help me, or get me somewhere

in my darker moments i concern myself with the notion that i may just be reading myself into things,
seeking affirmation or validation or forgiveness or perhaps — most pathetically — direction
the sort of thing some figure at some point "should have" imparted and didn't

anyway, the direction i've been getting from what is i suppose now "the social web" has been both deeply familiar and unnervingly intrusive
being as i am capable of manifesting incalculable interior stochastic whisperers of unkeen disposition, eager to update me on low estimations,
All By My Lonesome,
i don't know that there's much need for Crossover arcs

i'm at "something" of a loss as to what ithe overall project is here
despite dozens of initiated attempts
but i hope that my absence eases it along

i'll wind down whatever conversations anyone wants to have
otherwise

thanks
ʏᴏᴜ ᴛʜᴏᴜɢʜᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ᴋɴᴇᴡ ᴍᴇ
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Sissy Spacerock
 
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Joined: Mon Dec 14, 2009 4:35 pm

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